Thursday, November 12, 2009

Not the Fruit I expected

Thank God not all weeks are like this one.  Monday I had my final exam at Laidlaw College after 4 years of study.  Wednesday should have been the 5th birthday of our second child Jodi that we lost in miscarriage.  The dream of a second child ended on Anzac weekend and our due date was the 11/11/04; interestingly Armistice Day.  This year Beky became aware of her lost sibling and so the 5th birthday was especially hard.  Beky would have loved to be taking her little Jodi to school and expressed her thoughts so well:

Today Jodi you would have gone to school with your big sister Beky. If you were scared or nervous you would have someone to comfort you, me Beky. We miss you. Give great Nana a hug on your way to school.

As part of processing our grief Steve and I planted a plum tree in our backyard and this year it’s laden with fruit – just not the fruit I was expecting.   I expected to be excited at the end of preschool years and to be fearful at passing my second precious child over to school teachers for the next season of learning.  I expected tears but not ones that Beky and I would share so deeply. 

Instead I have been preschooler free for three years and I have another piece of paper saying I can survive academic life.  I was so very privileged to be given a scholarship in 2005 for a years worth of study at Laidlaw College; and they let me drag it out for 4 years.  I have learnt so much and grown heaps, turned many faith corners and have interesting, exciting and scary options ahead.  I am deeply grateful. 

So my new beginning this week is not what I had planned but God is amongst it.  I would still have rather been sorting out disputes over who got to sit in the front seat of the car after school but this season of preschool/tertiary is over.  I am glad I have Steve and Beky to walk with me into the next seasons.  We will always long for Jodi to be walking this way too.  We lit a candle here.